


Easier Said Than Done

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Series: Shame [3]
Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 23:18:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19386475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: Despite having gotten funding, life is not going well for team PQL.  Even the shrink is seeing a shrink.  Where has Donna disappeared to?  And what happens when Sam finds out about Pat?  Conclusion of the Shame Universe.





	Easier Said Than Done

 

_...my buddies tell me fly to him_

_sigh to him,_

_tell him I would die for him,_

_tell him he's the one..._

_I got a love so true and yet I'm sad and blue,_

_'cause it's easier, easier said than done..._

\--Easier Said Than Done, The Essex

 

 

Sam and the stars vanished, leaving me alone in the Imaging Chamber once again. I sighed, turned, and trudged out into the Control Room. Busy at work, Gooshie barely noted my return. My eyes immediately sought out Donna; she'd been hanging around looking forlorn and I promised to take her to lunch and chat about Sam. She was nowhere in sight. On top of everything else, I was trying to coax her out of her depression. I figured I had something in common with her, after all.

"Gooshie, I trust the leap-out was routine? And where's Donna?" I waited for an answer, realizing he wasn't so much working as staring at his notebook without really seeing it.

I was just about to mutter something about geeky programmers spending too much time with computers when he finally looked up, brows wrinkled. "What?"

"I said, where's Donna?"

"She was here a minute ago..."

I shook my head in amusement. Whoever was keeping him distracted lately sure was doing a good job. I tried to picture what a girlfriend of Gooshie's would look like, but all I kept seeing was Gooshie with long hair and lipstick. A bizarre picture to say the least.

Chuckling, I gave up and strolled over, slinging a friendly arm across his shoulders. "The leap's over, why don't you knock off for the afternoon, go and see her."

"Her??" he averted his eyes, turning red with embarrassment.

I chuckled. If Sam ever knew where I got the inspiration for the nerdy image I pumped him with... It was necessary though. Even now there were rough leaps, ones where Sam got involved with someone and didn't want to leave...I shut down my thoughts on Sam, and went back to concentrating on Gooshie and his new secret girl.

"Hey, Goosh, I know all about it. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"You--you know all about it?" he stammered.

"It's no big deal, trust me. It happens to the best of us." Didn't I know it, the way I was practically mooning over Sam.

"You're not mad?" Gooshie asked incredulously.

"Why should I be mad? As long as it doesn't interfere with your work...too much. I know what it feels like to be in love."

"That's--that's great! Tina was so worried you'd fall apart if you found out about us."

_Tina?_ Suddenly I had a feeling I'd missing something. "Us?" The bottom dropped out from under me. My voice lowered an octave. "As in you and Tina?"

He was babbling on, oblivious to the new hostility in the air. "She said we had to keep it quiet for now, at least. I'm so relieved, I'm just not cut out for steamy deceptions."

"You and Tina?!" I shouted. The arm that had been around him joined its mate in gripping him by the shoulders. I resisted the urge to pound him into the wall, as much for my support as anything else; I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Part of me was having trouble believing this was happening. _Not Tina and Gooshie..._

He finally got the message. His eyes widened and his face paled. "You--weren't talking about--"

"We are now," I growled.

His adam's apple bobbed as he tried to take a step away from me.

I tightened my hold, preventing his escape. "You little weasel! All this time you and Tina have been--behind my back?!"

I wanted to grind him into a geeky pulp and feed him to the coyotes. I felt used and cheated, a first class fool. All those years, and I'd been stupidly blind while it was going on right under my nose, believing Tina when she said it was just the one time to make me jealous. With not just a girlfriend and colleague, but the people I worked with for years, trusted. People I thought were also my friends.

"Al, I'm sorry..." He looked like he was going to throw up. His eyes darted around nervously, seeking escape routes in case I decided to kill him after all.

"Let me tell you something about being a man. If you're enough of a man to steal someone's woman, then you should be enough of a man to look him in the eye," I snarled. "Some big man you are!" I gave him a shove, sending him crashing back into Ziggy's console.

My pride took over, bypassing anger. Through the illogical haze, I realized the truth. Tina had covered this up and pretended to love me for a long time. From what Gooshie had said, there was only one reason I could come up with and it didn't set well with me. She felt sorry for me. Poor, pathetic Al.

Suddenly I too felt sick. It wasn't worth the energy required to maintain rage, and I didn't really want to kill Gooshie. He was an important part of the Project, Sam needed him. Anyway, who was I to talk? Hadn't I pretended to love Tina while it was really someone else I wanted? I sagged, feeling all of my years and then some.

"Al?" Gooshie's tentative voice wavered over the word.

I turned and headed for the door.

"Al, wait!" His voice got stronger as I got further away.

I paused at the door. "She's all yours, Gooshie, I don't want her anymore." My eyes flashed as I pinned him with a glare. "And I don't need pity--from either of you." I stalked out of the room with all the dignity my sorry soul could muster.

The rest of the day was a blur, a shot of 100 proof Novocain fixed that. At some point during the haze? I came to a startling scientific hypothesis. The equation was simple: Tina was hiding the affair because she figured I needed her support. Why? Because I had to be there for Sam. She did it for Sam. And Gooshie kept it hidden out of fear of what would become of our working relationship, and ultimately the Project--Sam. Beeks was devoted to making sure everyone held up okay, especially me. Again, for Sam. And everyone else at the Project was there for the very same reason. I finally understood the secret of life--the universe revolved around Samuel Beckett.

Unfortunately, so did I.

 

* * *

 

If I thought things were as bad as they could be, I forgot Murphy's Law. Life is full of surprises. I'd be lying if I said relations between Tina, Gooshie and I weren't seriously strained. It wasn't that I hated them; I didn't. But my dignity was wounded, and all I had left was my pride. It kept me from responding to any of Tina's messages of wanting to talk. At least I could be thankful the disaster hit when Sam was between leaps; I was able to easily avoid both of them.

It wasn't only pride--with everything piled up on top of me all at once like that, I was just plain hurting. The wounded animal crawls away to hide from the world, and that's what I wanted to do. My shoulders were too weighed down to carry the load any longer. And the cherry on top was a severe case of guilt.

I was distracted, I guess that's why I didn't notice. Donna was the furthest thing from my mind, until days later, when I found out she was missing. The last anyone had seen of her was when she walked out of Control right before I came out of the Imaging Chamber. I couldn't help thinking she'd still be there if I'd gone to find her right away, instead of finding a bottle. But the damage was done, and all I could do was hire a private detective to search for her. At least he ruled out foul play. Seemed she just...wandered off.

Then we discovered another piece of the puzzle. In her depression, she'd turned to pills to get her through. It started with something to help her sleep nights, escalated from there. She covered it up good, none of us ever guessed she had a problem like that. But we were all too pre-occupied with the center of the universe to pay any attention to the poor lonely wife who waited so quietly. I'd just been glad she wasn't being a noisy, whiny, problem anymore.

I wasn't the only one with a guilt complex over Donna. Verbena was taking it hard. Our rock, the one we all turned to in time of need, our head shrink was now seeing a shrink.

It hadn't been a good month for Project Quantum Leap.

Thank God Sam wasn't in a leap.

The only bright spot in the whole mess was that I wasn't alone. Pat didn't have to be back in D.C. until the end of the following week. I got my money's worth in the next couple of days, definitely the better end of our deal. I wasn't fit for human company, but he stayed anyway, offering whatever he could and not even resenting the fact that I was crying over being dumped by a woman.

When I did manage to be a lover to Pat, it was the image of Sam I clung to in my time of need. Remembering the days when he was someone I could lean on, someone who could always chase away the clouds with his sunny smile and warm caring presence. _God, I miss his smile..._ It had been so long...sometimes it almost seemed like my imagination that Sam had ever been there for me. I'd been the strong one for so long... now my strength was fading fast and there was nothing around me but emptiness.

How I wished Sam was in a leap.

Whether Pat knew it wasn't him I made love to or not, I wasn't sure and I was careful not to slip up as I had once before. But I think he knew. I was beyond even trying to fool myself any longer. I happily wallowed in my misery and in my fantasies, pretending things I knew could never be. It wasn't difficult to do, as long as Sam was leaping I could keep on pretending and never have to be faced with reality. The weight of the world had collapsed my walls; I had no strength left to deny anything. I'd sold my soul, now it was time to pay the price...with interest. And the part that hurt the most was the knowledge that there was no hope for me. No matter what happened, I'd be in love with Sam until the end of Time itself.

And beyond.

 

* * *

 

There wasn't really anything of interest on television, but I was watching it anyway. One thing I couldn't stand these days was silence. I had to fill up my mind with noise. Simple, meaningless, droning noise. Prime time T.V. filled that bill nicely. We'd found a cure for AIDS, were phasing out gasoline cars, and recycling almost everything, but some things never change. I flipped the channels on the remote as if it were a roulette wheel, letting it settle where it would. It was as good a way of choosing what to watch as any. Yet another form of Novocaine for the mind, only this one didn't cause hangovers.

Pat was sitting in the corner, reading, giving me the space I'd loudly demanded. I could see him watching me out of the corner of my eye, and I could bet what was on his mind. Wondering when I was going to kick him out. The same thing I was contemplating. See, I'd finally decided I didn't want any more comfort. It wasn't helping anything, only making me feel even more like a heel. There was an aura of my own making surrounding him these days, and it wasn't Pat Leeds'.

It was my own private roller-coaster ride, my ticket to hell, my reason for living and my reason for dying a little every day. My--no, not mine--Donna's. Sam.

I threw the remote across the room just as the phone rang. I wasn't going to answer it, then changed my mind in case it was the dick calling with news about Donna. I owed Sam that much at least.

I wasn't expecting Gooshie's voice. It had only been three days since Sam leaped out, somehow I hadn't thought he'd be leaping in so soon.

"He's leaped," the stilted voice informed me.

At once I felt dread and elation. "Does Ziggy have a fix on him yet?"

"Yes. It's not life-threatening, but I think you should get over here right away." There was a pause, as he put his hand over the receiver and I heard a muffled conversation. Tina no doubt, though I couldn't hear what they said. Then he came back on. "He could use a hand, I think."

"On my way." I carelessly replaced the receiver and jumped up to find my car keys, thankful I hadn't decided to get drunk. Actually, Sam was responsible for that, too. As long as he was leaping I had no choice but to put my own self preservation on priority. That man had me coming and going.

Life with him might be an amusement park, but it sure wasn't a merry-go-round.

Even if he did make me dizzy.

 

* * *

 

I braced myself before I walked into the Control Room, readying myself to face the two of them. Most of all I was dreading the look in Tina's eyes. All sympathy and sorrow. I'd seen that look before, once when we found a bird with a broken wing.

No amount of bracing could have prepared me for what I found when I entered the room...

There, leaning casually against the wall with his arms folded, was Sam.

My first thought was that I'd finally gone completely over the deep end. It was time to call the men with the nets. They're coming to take me away, ha ha...

Then I decided it was an alcohol induced hallucination--until I remembered I was sober. The only possible answer was I was dreaming. But usually my dreams of Sam were a little more...spicy.

"Al?" that beloved voice crooned my name in the special way only he had of saying it, as he took a step closer. He beamed at me. "Al!"

Maybe it wasn't a dream. "S--Sam? Is it really--" I croaked when I remember I had a voice. I was scared to death to move, afraid to find out it wasn't real.

"Gooshie got the message wrong," he began, his eyes glistening with wetness. "It wasn't a hand he was supposed to tell you I needed, it was a _hug_."

"What a coincidence..." I mumbled, as the floodgates opened. If this was a dream, I was willing to ride it out. I half-stumbled, half fell into his arms.

Whatever little strength I had left deserted me, the only thing supporting me was his embrace. I held on for dear life, wanting only to be able to pretend, for a few minutes, that I never had to let him go.

"I missed this," he whispered into my ear as I clung to him, his breath tickling.

"Ah Sam..." I could feel so content, in his embrace. And never want for more.

He tightened his arms around me. Such strength there, I felt it infuse my soul with much-needed nourishment. I fed greedily, like a starving babe.

Somehow, I managed to pull away. Fear, probably, of giving myself away. "How?"

He shrugged. "I guess Whoever was running things just decided it was time for me to come home."

Which confirmed what I'd already known--God has a lousy sense of timing. The implications of the situation sobered me, and I put aside my self-preoccupations. Unsuspecting Sam was home, expecting everything to be just as he'd left it.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and concerned eyes bored into mine. "Is everything okay, Al?"

It was like a slap in the face. Okay, so things weren't exactly wonderful around there, but Sam had finally leaped home. One thing I couldn't live with, was letting it be anything but a joyous day.

"Everything that matters," I told him, smiling. Amazing, I actually remembered how. I pulled him into my arms again for a brief hug. "Welcome home, buddy."

And for the first time in years, I was home too. Memories I'd selectively swiss-cheesed myself came back, and I knew it didn't matter if my feelings were reciprocated or not. Sam did love me; what we'd always had was enough. It was something I'd always be thankful for. In those first moments I realized a hug from him was worth more than I got from any lover in bed.

"Where is everybody, anyway?" Sam finally asked, looking around the deserted Control Room.

I glanced at Gooshie, who turned away. Then it hit me. The chicken shit hadn't said word one to Sam about the state of things. Leaving all the dirty work to me. I decided to reconsider my position on mashing him down to road kill.

I gently took Sam's arm to lead him away. "Let's talk, Sam."

"That doesn't sound good."

"C'mon, let's go into our office."

He kept quiet until I'd closed the office door, then burst forth. "What is it? What's going on, Al? Where's Donna, and the others?"

"Calm down and give me a chance to explain--" The trivial implications of what he'd said registered with a jolt. "You remembered Donna?"

"Of course I remember Donna, she's my wife." He misinterpreted the look on my face, hastily reaching out a hand to me. "And I'm not mad at you for not telling me, I remember why."

So innocent and trusting...waiting for me to deliver his wife to him. But I was still hung up on self-serving details. "I just thought...you'd ask about her first thing..." I couldn't help saying.

Sam looked down at the floor for a moment, seeming slightly embarrassed. Then he met my eyes. "You've been there for me all these years...I couldn't have made it without you. I just figured you deserved the first hug."

I stared into his eyes, rejuvenating my sagging spirits in his presence. Suddenly a lot of the pain of the last few days melted. The man was truly amazing as a friend.

Maybe I didn't want to know how he'd be as a lover.

With token guilt, I forced myself back to the matter at hand. Now that Sam was home, everything would be okay. My new confidence bolstered my courage. "How about the first kick in the butt?" I asked, sure of his understanding.

"Al, you can kick my butt later, right now I just want to know what you're keeping from me. Please." Under any other circumstances, he'd be distraught and belligerent. But I was there, and he was content to wait somewhat calmly. Again I was reminded of the level of his trust in me.

I pushed him down onto the couch, sitting beside him. "Donna's missing right now--but don't you worry, we'll find her," I said with certainty, patting him on the knee.

"What do you mean, missing?"

Protecting Sam was as automatic as breathing. I quickly weighed my options, deciding what would be easier for Sam to accept. "We're not sure." I paused to take a deep breath. "We've got a private eye looking for her. But there's a possibility she doesn't want to be found."

"Why?" he whispered. His face mirrored his emotions only too well.

My heart bled for him. "She was waiting a long time," I said softly. "But we'll find her. And now that you're home..."

I made a mental note to warn the staff against saying anything about Donna's emotional deterioration or drug habit in front of Sam. I was fully capable of doing the guilt and worrying for both of us. I wanted things as easy for him as I could make them.

Sam didn't say anything for awhile. I just stayed close, trying to make comfort of my presence.

"Why do I get a feeling there's more?" he finally asked, staring me down. "Where's everybody else?"

I sighed. "Verbena will be here soon, she had an appointment with her therapist this afternoon."

"Verbena's seeing a therapist?" he asked incredulously.

"She has some...personal problems to work through. Tina's..." I figured I might as well tell him, he'd find out soon enough on his own. "I don't have the foggiest idea where Tina is, but if I had to guess I'd say probably at Gooshie's apartment. That's where she lives now."

His eyes darkened in sympathy and he rested a hand on my arm. "Oh, Al..."

The one thing I didn't see was surprise. I shrugged it off as other things on his mind. After all, he wasn't even there, no way could he have known...

I shook off his sympathy--no, empathy. Sam would never feel sorry for me, he'd hurt _with_ me. "Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good. If losing Tina means you finally coming home--no contest." What the hell, as if any of it mattered to me. The only thing that did was sitting next to me. And the things I'd do for that were frightening in their infinity.

Sam smiled, the light in his eyes shining at my words. "So we're both having

a rough spot right now. At least we've got each other to lean on." He playfully punched me on the arm, then slid his around my shoulders. "You're right Al, everything's gonna be all right."

"That's right," I agreed heartily, pleased he was taking things in stride, even better than I'd hoped. "So PQL is experiencing some down time. Now that the tyrant's back, you'll whip us back into shape in no time."

He pulled me closer. "Maybe I'll just re-program you."

_You already have_ , I thought. "One Ziggy is enough," I said.

"But the world could use a lot more friends like you," he told me.

_If only you knew..._

 

* * *

 

The rest of the afternoon was spent in a flurry of activity, at least for our returning hero. The medical staff whisked Sam off for a complete examination. They poked and prodded every inch of him and when they were through, Beeks had her shot at him. To everyone's relief, they gave him a clean bill of health. Except for Verbena, who pinned him for recuperative and coping therapy four times a week. Even if he was the picture of mental health, she'd have said the same thing. She wasn't taking chances these days. Unfortunately, the rest of us would also pay for her self-admitted mistake. I, especially, was right in line behind Sam for couch space.

True, we were a bunch. It was par for the course in a project full of perfectionistic over-achievers. I was starting to think maybe we'd all been together too long.

It was well into the evening before they let Sam loose. They would have liked him to stay overnight for observation, but he weaseled his way out of that with typical finesse.

I was in the office trying to concentrate on paperwork when he joined me. I watched him wander around the room, examining everything with an almost aimless air.

"Are you okay, Sam?" I asked quietly.

He stopped his perusal of a paperweight to smile at me tiredly. "I guess so. Everything's just so...different." He put the paperweight back on his desk and came over to sit on the edge of mine. "I saw Tina." He studied me for a minute. "She says she wants to explain, but you won't even talk to her."

"Is she bugging you with shit like that already?" I asked angrily.

"Don't be like that, Al," he warned sternly. "It was an awkward situation for both of us. She's always been a good friend, but she knows where my loyalty is."

"You don't have to end the friendship on my account," I told him. "It's not as bad as you think." He gazed at me skeptically. "Really. To be honest, I didn't really love her." I resigned myself to further honesty. "The thing that bothered me about it was that...dammit, I felt like a charity case! Poor Al needs me, so I'll have to lie to him and pretend to be his girl."

Sam came around to my side of the desk and hunkered down until he was eye level, resting his weight on the arms of my chair. After a moment he spoke, very quietly. "God forbid someone should do something kind for Al Calavicci," he murmured, voice tinged with sadness. He might have said much more, I could read it in his eyes, but he merely stayed silent and still for a time.

He finally moved away, giving me a tight hug before rising.

"How are you holding up?" I asked to get the topic off of me.

"I'm tired."

"Why don't you go home and get some rest, then. I'm sure that was the stipulation for you leaving the infirmary."

There was unease and hesitancy in his expression. "I...can't." His eyes fastened on me almost pleadingly. "I don't feel like being alone right now." He continued with feigned lightness. "Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't we pick up a couple of pizzas and some light beer, and go back to your place? Just like we used to." He couldn't disguise the hope in his voice.

My place...suddenly I remembered there was someone on the premises. Someone I'd forgotten all about until that moment. My male lover...

I gulped. "Uh--I, we can't. I mean, there's someone there--"

Sam's face fell and I could have shot myself. Things were getting very sticky.

"We can pick up the food and go to your house," I suggested, trying to figure out what I was going to do about Pat. "I mean, I can't just tell--her to get lost, she's in from D.C. on a vacation, and..." A part of my mind knew without a doubt that I was burying myself. Deep.

Suddenly the paperweight reclaimed his fascinated attention. "I..." he bit his lip. "I can't go back to the house just yet. It's okay, I probably should let them keep me here anyway."

"Oh Christ..." I managed to choke out at the mess I'd made of things. A second later I was up and around the desk, at his side and pulling him into my arms without conscious thought. "No one means more to me than you do," I admitted. "I'm not gonna let you be alone tonight."

"Things aren't how I imagined they'd be," he said in a shaky, confused voice.

"I know," I crooned. "But I'll do everything in my power to make things right for you. You know that, don't you?" I'd take the sun down from the sky and give it to him, if he wanted it. And I almost opened my mouth and told him so.

Sam pulled away to gaze into my eyes, face full of trust. "I know. Thanks Al."

I hadn't sold my soul for something as trivial as a Pulitzer. I sold mine for a 'thanks Al'. I felt madness beginning, spiraling out of my control. "Let me make a phone call, then we'll go and pick up those pizzas."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I don't want to spoil anyone's evening. If she came all the way out from Washington..."

"I can see--Pat any time. This is your first night home."

How Pat would react to that, I couldn't guess but I'd find out soon. It occurred to me that our deal was dissolved. I no longer needed his pull for funding. Well, that wasn't entirely true. There was still something I needed him for, maybe more than ever. And I didn't have it in my heart to be that cold. Eventually I'd just have to tell Sam about him. But not now, when he had more than enough changes to deal with.

"How about champagne with that pizza instead?" I asked. "After all, we _are_ celebrating."

His smile lit up the room.

I sent Sam on some occupying errand and made my call. It was the most uncomfortable phone conversation I'd ever had. I didn't find out how Pat felt about Sam being home, his side of things wasn't very enlightening. In fact, I did most of the talking. I explained Sam's situation quickly, hoping for Pat's understanding.

I hung up knowing the apartment would be empty when we got there, but not what was going on in Pat's mind. He was like that, you never knew what he was thinking unless he really wanted you to.

I wondered if I should have been more precise about the situation, but there would be time for that later. Right now I had more important things on my mind. What else? Sam.

 

* * *

 

The next couple of days were the most wonderful...and the most trying of my life. Being there for Sam to lean on, a shoulder to cry on instead of insubstantial air was terrific, the most fulfilling feeling in the world...frustrating as hell! The more time I spent with him, the more I yearned to be closer than an understanding friend. I was walking a tightrope, balanced precariously on the edge of disaster.

I needed a breather. And to let off some of the steam building up before I exploded.

 

* * *

 

Sam:

 

I had a feeling of unreality about being home, as if it was all a cruel dream. The kind where everything is supposedly the way it should be, but you know something's off, not right. Verbena said the disorientation would pass, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.

The only thing that felt right was Al. Because of that, I tended to spend every moment I could around him. It was the only time I felt like I was really home. Yet I felt guilty about the way I shamelessly clung to him, taking up all his time and keeping him from his new girlfriend. I didn't feel guilty for taking him from her... A contradiction in terms maybe, but I figured a guy who's just come home from traveling in time for years is entitled to a few of those.

But it was part of my therapy to face my problems.

First I took over the job of dealing with the detective on Donna's case. Funny, to think of her as a 'case', but I couldn't quite think of her as anything else, either. He told me he was getting closer, there was a promising lead in New York. I was waiting for word form him on it. Except I wasn't at all sure having her back would help my situation. In fact, I knew with a sense of guilt that she'd solve a big part of my dilemma if she never returned. I found no problem in operating under the assumption that my marriage might very well be over. I instructed him to talk to her when he found her. If she really didn't want to come back--hint, hint--to tell her I wished her the best.

There were so many reasons, I didn't know where to start sorting them out, only that I had to.

Spending that time with Beth had given me an understanding of what it was like for Donna. And I still loved her enough to want her to be happy. I didn't want to mess up her life any more than I already had, which was exactly what I'd do if she came back. That she was almost willing to let Al die to have me with her, told me how much I'd already hurt her. She'd be better off without me.

Or did I just want to believe that?

I was a different person now than I'd been when I started leaping. If she came back it would be like starting over, two strangers who no longer had the same shared things that brought them together. I was tired of strangers.

I found myself in the house I'd shared with Donna, alone, facing the ghosts. I stared at the amber liquid in the highball glass, trying to decide if I really wanted it. I didn't even know why I'd poured it, I never was much of a drinker, except for beer.

That sense of emptiness was back again. I didn't know how to take it away. If I was going to be single again, I'd have to get used to it. I certainly couldn't spend every moment with Al, that wasn't fair to him. He'd found someone to help him forget the deal with Tina, and here I was monopolizing his every free moment and then some.

_I could help him forget Tina..._

I set the glass down on the bar and picked up the framed wedding photo from the coffee table. It was my fault, really. I'd been so insistent in breaking my own rule and getting Donna back. Now I knew from plenty of personal experience that time had a nasty way of getting its due when you tried to manipulate it to your own selfish devices.

The worst kind of liar was the one who lied to himself. And I took the trophy. It was self preservation, but that didn't make me feel any better about it. I had no idea I'd leap home when I did, no time to deal with...things.

As time went on during the leaping, I began to realize that my feelings for Al were growing stronger, unchecked. I was hopeless to stop it, but couldn't, didn't want to face what it meant, either. I preferred to let the idea flutter around in my mind harmlessly.

Or maybe not so harmlessly...

Then came the turning point, the leap with Jane, the older woman I found my host involved with. Someone older, whom I respected. And little odd things kept reminding me of Al. Then, that one night it hit me like a ton of bricks. The song she was singing...

 

_I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you, how long I have waited..._

 

Her words, _'You're the only person I've even known who sees me for what I could be. Nobody's ever believed in me like you.'_

 

All I could do was stare at her and think of where I'd heard those words before. It was Al, when we were battling to save his career. And me, too, for who believed in me the way he did? From the beginning I responded to her differently than any other woman I'd met during my leaps, almost with a desperation. And right before I leaped out, listening to her sing, 'For Once In My Life', with Al beside me...how he didn't guess something was up, I don't know. I had a feeling everything was written on my face. I didn't need a ton of bricks to fall on me. I was in love with Al.

I toyed with the idea of telling him--but I guess Fate was trying to tell me something in no uncertain terms, because the very next leap I found myself at Prescott Military Academy, defending gay rights against...everyone. I watched all my hopes and dreams shatter into little pieces at my feet as Al stood there and...renounced me. For the only time in my life that I could remember, he took someone else's side against me. I couldn't believe it. According to him, gays had no honor. All the pride and respect I'd earned from him over the years would mean nothing if he knew how I felt about him, and I could take anything but that. It was the only thing kept me going sometimes. His belief in me. All this would crumble, just because I loved him.

Then he went and pulled another rug out from under me, finally admitting he was wrong. Did he really think it mattered to me at that point? Of course, he didn't know the damage was already done. The eternal sucker for him, I still almost blurted my secret out, nearly falling into the trap of those eyes looking into my soul. I couldn't. God help me...I didn't trust him with my soul anymore.

I'm not proud of what I did after that. Desperately needing something I couldn't get, I was helpless to resist falling for Tamlyn. That wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been throwing an immature tantrum, rubbing the affair in his nose and hurting him in the best way I could think of, by telling him I was staying there with her. It wasn't possible, but his believing my threat was proof of my success at shaking him up. That and his ultimatum, his threat to leave and not come back. With wounded cruelty, I ignored him. The end seemed tailor designed for me again. I almost got Tamlyn killed myself, by ignoring a partner. How I'd handled Ross Tyler certainly paralleled the way I was treating Al.

And what was my next leap? As a man named Tyler. Tyler Means. My partner – what else? – was back in town gunning for me for doing him wrong. Maybe I did need those ton of bricks after all. I finally got the message. In my selfish need for Al's love, I was ignoring our long and special friendship, endangering it for something we couldn't reach out and touch anyway.

Things were better after that. I tried to make it up to him, to be the friend he deserved. Things settled down, and I learned how to be thankful for what I had.

Then I came home.

The overwhelming love rose up in me again, but I was afraid to tell him, scared of ruining our friendship like I almost had before. It was my own fault, being purely selfish. I needed him too much to risk losing him. I'd learned how to be satisfied with what he had to offer once...which was a hell of a lot. I could do it again.

One thing I would never do was forgive the woman I'd loved for wishing Al dead. Even if he'd been a stranger...after all the sacrifices I'd made to help others, hers was a type of selfishness I could never have. If I accepted her back into my life it might ease the pain I was feeling, but it would be betraying Al. I'd die first.

The doorbell rang and for an elated moment, I thought it might be Al. I put the photograph back on the table face down, and went to the door.

The man on the doorstep was vaguely familiar, though I couldn't place him. "Can I help you?"

"Dr. Beckett? You probably don't remember me. I'm Pat Leeds. I served with Admiral Calavicci for awhile, now I'm on the Senate subcommittee." He extended his hand. "We met once, at a reunion."

_Which timeline?_ I shook my head to clear the confusion and accepted his explanation. "Sure, c'mon in. What can I do for you?"

He stood in the middle of the room, looking slightly nervous. "I was just wondering if Al was here. We had a dinner date, and he didn't show."

"No, I haven't seen him since this afternoon. When he left the Project, he said he was going out with his girl--" I literally bit my tongue as my mind finished the sentence. His girlfriend...Pat. For dinner. I stared at him, mind refusing to believe the implications.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you knew about us.",

I shook my head dumbly. This had to be a sick joke. "I don't understand..."

"I'm going to speak plain. I hope you aren't one of those bigots. You're his best friend, and I wouldn't want to see him hurt. I hope you can be open enough to accept our feelings for each other."

_Feelings for each other..._

"What?" I whispered hoarsely. I felt tears of humiliation threaten and I struggled to keep them in check. "You--you'll have to leave now, Al's not here."

"I hope we can be friends," Pat smiled and extended his hand again.

I suddenly wanted to kill him. "I said get the hell out of here!" I yelled, opening the door.

Leeds left without another word.

I closed the door behind him and leaned my forehead against it, helpless to stop the hot tears from running down my cheeks. I slid to the floor, huddled against the door as if it could offer me comfort.

I felt angry, hurt, lied to, and jealous. Al had betrayed me at Prescott, now here he was... All that time of wishing and hoping, afraid he'd never love me back. All the while he was here sleeping with another man. Letting another man love him. Not even having the guts to tell me the truth.

I slammed my fist into the door, my body shaking with sobs I couldn't hold back.

 

* * *

 

Al:

 

I sat in my apartment, staring at the phone. I wanted to call Sam, but I also knew I had to help him get some of his independence back. Pat had canceled our dinner date and I was...lonely.

I forced Sam out of my mind and turned my thoughts to someone I'd been neglecting, Pat. He'd been different lately, quiet and slightly distant. I had a feeling I knew why. Maybe I was using him, just like Tina let herself be used...but then, he was in love with me, she wasn't. And I knew how he felt. If I had a chance to be with Sam, I'd take whatever I could get, even if he didn't love me back. Only too willing to let myself be used.

But that wasn't going to happen.

Finally I gave up my restless inactivity and left the apartment.

 

* * *

 

Pat was more than surprised to see me, when I showed up at he door of his hotel room in Socorro. He let me in and fixed me a drink, hardly saying a word the whole time.

Finally when we were sitting on the couch, he said what was on his mind. "What are you doing here, Al?"

I looked into his eyes, sadness and regret swamping me. I smiled at him. "I missed you." It wasn't entirely a lie.

His eyes widened. "I thought--"

"I know what you thought. That I'd want to forget about you, now that Sam is back."

"But this wasn't our deal."

I took the glass out of his hand and set it on the table, moving closer. "Like you said, it worked out better than either of us had hoped. I know Sam is never going to love me like you do. And you know I'll never love you as I do him, but I care for you. I can never give you the kind of future you'd like, and Sam will always come first. If you can't deal with that, I understand. But if you can, I'm still here."

To my surprise, wetness glistened in his eyes. "You really do care..."

"Yes."

Pat picked up his drink again, staring into it intently. "I have something to tell you, Al." He gulped half of it down. "I saw Sam today."

I waited, willing him not to say what I thought he might, knowing what his next words were going to be.

"I told him about us."

I closed my eyes, consciously trying to relax my body. After all, wasn't I planning on telling him myself anyway? "How did he take it?" My voice sounded wooden to my ears.

"I'm not sure. But you might have...underestimated him. Go to him, Al."

I didn't have a choice. I wasn't looking forward to facing Sam, but I had to explain. At the least, he'd be hurt that I lied to him, didn't trust him to understand. For that, I owed him an apology.

Pat's soft, "I'm sorry," followed me out the door.

 

* * *

 

I stood on the doorstep for a full ten minutes before I could bring myself to ring the bell. At first there was no answer, but I knew he was home. So I rang again, holding my finger on the button.

Finally, the door opened and we were face to face.

I never wanted to see a look like that on his face. I took a step back, but he turned and wandered into the living room, so I followed him.

"What do you want, Al?" he asked. His voice was a monotone, as if all the life had been leeched from it.

There was no point in beating around the bush anymore. "You know about Pat."

His frame shuddered slightly at the name, and he picked up a highball glass.

"How much of that have you had?" I asked.

"Not nearly enough, Al." He took a generous drink and finally faced me. The hurt on his face was palpable. "You're a little late for explanations, aren't you?" There was a touch of acid in his tone.

I had to be able to reason with him. Surely after all we'd been through, we could deal with this, too. "I know you're angry with me for not being honest with you, I know--"

"You know jack shit." Sam turned from me again, going over to study a picture on the wall. It was of us, cutting the ribbon on PQL.

I wished he would just yell at me, get it out of his system. "Go ahead, say what's on your mind," I encouraged.

"How do you expect other people to be honest with you, when you won't be honest with them? You had the gall to be upset when Tina lied to protect you? At least Donna was honest when she didn't care whether you died or not; when she got tired of waiting for me and left." He turned back, pointing an accusing finger. "You're nothing but a hypocrite!"

The blow stung. I didn't want to hear any more. "Please, Sam, let's sit down. Let me explain my side, maybe then you can forgive me."

"I don't think so."

"What?" I whispered.

There was finality in the eyes meeting mine. "No. Not this time."

"You can't mean that!"

Once again, he turned away. "Now get out of here and don't bother coming back."

I shook my head in denial. "Sam, please..." A distant part of my mind recognized that for all intents and purposes my life had just ended. It was obvious now, the respect I'd earned from him was gone. He couldn't look up to someone who would so easily prostitute himself. I'd played the same political game that so disgusted Sam.

"There's nothing left to say," he mumbled.

I knew I should leave it at that and get the hell out with dignity. But I couldn't let my life go that easily. I cast aside the last thing I had left, the thing that I'd clung to those past few months. My pride.

"Sam, please," I begged. I took a few steps closer to the hunched back. "I can't lose you..." My voice choked with emotion. "I only did it because I love you!" I blurted.

He whipped around and stared at me, anger blazing in his eyes along with the pain. "You fucked another man because you love me?!" he asked incredulously.

"I, uh--what?" My head snapped up to his. I suddenly felt like I had during my conversation with Gooshie, out of step.

There was something else in Sam's eyes now. A glimmer of hope. I couldn't believe what I saw, didn't dare. But as I continued to stare, my knowledge of him insisted on interpreting it. The need in his gaze reached out to me, grabbed firm hold, and reeled me in. I knew that pain, it was of the same brand which had lived inside of me.

I reached out, cupping his face in my hands. We continued to stare at each other, barely daring to breath. "How do you feel about me?" I asked.

"Al..." His voice ached with vulnerability, eyes shone with tears.

I knew we should talk things out, clear the air... I couldn't break the magic of this precious moment with words. Instead, I let actions convey my feelings.

Sam whimpered as our lips met. Then he was pulling me into a crushing embrace, grabbing a fistful of my shirt to keep me there.

As if I was going anywhere.

Our bodies pressed against each other and desire burned through the layers of cloth separating us. Needing further proof of the miracle my senses were telling me, I reached my hand between us, covering his growing bulge. He moaned, arching into the caress. It was perfect...it was really true. We wanted each other.

I lost what little coherence I had after that. Lost in the grips of the overwhelming passion, we devoured each other. We ended up on the floor, hastily tugging to get the encumbering clothing off.

He clutched at me in desperate need and I followed, oblivious to anything but Sam's heat. Our naked bodies called to each other, using hands and mouths to deliver the message.

It was too much, too soon. I heard him sobbing my name, felt the semen hit my skin. Hearing him cry my name in a moment of passion would have been enough alone to send me over the edge.

Lying there trying to collect my dazed senses, I listened to Sam struggle for breath. I opened my eyes to see tears running down his face. I brushed at them with a hand and brought our mouths together again in a deep kiss designed to show my love.

We stayed there for a bit, while I soothed the pain away, all of it. Finally we went into the bedroom and crawled under the covers together, limbs entangled.

I sighed in complete contentment. "I almost can't believe this is real."

"Me, either." Sam turned his head, kissing my chest just above a nipple. "I've loved you for a long time, Al," he confessed. "I was afraid to tell you."

I pulled him closer. "I'm sorry you had to be afraid, baby. I know how you feel. It's always been you, Sam."

He snuggled against me, and we both fell into an emotionally exhausted sleep.

 

* * *

 

Sam:

 

I was woken from wonderful dreams by the phone ringing. Groaning, I eased out of Al's embrace carefully so as not to wake him. It was very early yet, dawn was just peeking in from the window.

I mumbled something into the receiver.

"Dr. Beckett, this is Ray Price, the private detective."

I sat up, suddenly very awake. "Yes, good morning."

"Oh damn," he sighed. "I thought it sounded like I woke you. I forgot about the time difference, sorry."

"It's okay," I dismissed impatiently. "Did you find out something?"

There was a pause, and my stomach tightened. "I would have preferred to talk to you in person, but I need to get an answer from you on something, and--"

"What is it?" I blurted.

"I found Dr. Elesee. She came to New York and was at a drug rehabilitation center in the city."

"Drug??"

"She's kicked her abuse problem, and has fallen in love with the guy who runs the place, a man named George Grant. She wanted me to ask you if you'll give her a divorce. If so, she'll be back to sign the papers."

"Georgie Grant..." I muttered, thinking of a rich kid lounging by a pool. The one I'd leaped into, and set onto this path... Time and Fate, worked in strange ways indeed.

"You know him?"

"Uh...not exactly. Tell Donna I hope they're very happy together. I'll cooperate fully."

"Will do. I'll be flying back tonight then."

"Your final check will be waiting for you. You deserve it. Thanks for your help."

"See you then." He hung up.

Beside me, Al stirred. "Was somebody on the phone?" he asked sleepily, eyes only slits.

I smiled, happiness coursing through me. "The private eye. Donna doesn't want to come home. She fell in love with somebody else. Which is good, cause so did I."

His eyes opened all the way.

"So--will you stay with me forever?" I asked.

The slow smile that spread across his face warmed my soul. "You ain't getting rid of me."

I went into the offered arms, eagerly claiming his lips. "How about we take it slower this time?" I whispered against his mouth.

"I can if you can," he answered, then deepened our kiss.

Another kind of warmth quickly spread through me. I couldn't believe he really wanted me. I fought for control of my emotions, trying to slow my fevered gropings.

He didn't let me. His own hands grabbed me possessively, urging me down on top of him. He arched into my body, forcing a groan of ecstasy from the lips he teased with his tongue. "Do it, Sam," he murmured. "Fuck me."

The hoarse command was so unexpected, I pulled away slightly to gape at him. Excitement and fear ran up my spine and I couldn't find my voice. I wanted nothing more than to fulfill his plea, bury myself deep in the waiting body and drive us both to the point of oblivion. But as I studied his eyes, I saw another reason, beyond lust, in his request.

My eyes raked over his body to let him know he was wanted, the sight of his naked skin almost making me lose control. I took his face in my hands. "No. Not like this, because you think you need to be punished. I don't want to hurt you, I want to love you, give you pleasure." My voice broke and I fell silent, waiting.

Al ran his hand down my chest. "I know what it's like to take, now I wanna give. I never let anyone else...only you. I want to feel what it's like to be taken, by you, to have you inside of me."

I reached over to kiss those irresistible lips. "I'm always inside of you, Al. And you me."

"Then make love to me, Sam."

I felt an awesome power within my grasp. Lust burned through my veins, wiping out all reason. My will became a need to brand him, make him mine. I could give him something Pat never had. Something Al would only do for me. And after that, he would be mine. Forever. No one would ever take him away again.

My answer was to pull him closer.

 

* * *

 

Al:

 

Sam and I did a lot of talking over the next few days, sorting out all the things that had gotten between us over the years. I told him the whole truth about what happened, why I'd taken Pat as a lover. He wasn't disgusted, or ashamed of me as I'd feared. He simply said it made him feel safe, to know someone loved him enough to do anything to protect him--especially something like that. He wanted to go kick Pat's butt for putting me through it all though, but I talked him out of it.

Sam made his own confessions, about when his feelings for me had changed. It was hard to deal with, knowing I'd let him down when he needed me the most. We didn't blame one another, only ourselves. We'd both been hurt, it was time to start the healing process. Together we would mend all wounds, love away the bad memories and make plenty of wonderful new ones to replace them.

I went to see Pat, to break it off completely. We parted on good terms. After all, I could understand loving someone so much you'd do anything, if not in such a dishonest context. He seemed genuinely happy for us, though his pain showed also. I found I could feel sorry for him, he would pay his price and he knew it.

He explained why he told Sam about us, and I couldn't argue with his logic. No matter what came of it, he felt it would be for the best. A winner on all bets. He figured Sam might accept the relationship between me and Pat and then maybe I'd want to continue our relationship. Or maybe Sam would realize he loved me as well, and two people who mutually loved each other would be together. Which, to my great job, was what happened.

Besides, if not for Pat, I might never have realized the truth in my feelings for Sam.

And that was a bargain at any price.

 

 

_...for once I have something I know won't desert me_

_I'm not alone anymore_

_For once I can say--this is mine you can't take it_

_Long as I know I have love I can make it_

_For once in my life I have someone who needs me_

For Once in my Life, by Ron Miller/Orlando Murden

 

**the end**

8/20/92

 

 

 


End file.
